Sounds of Silence

 

My mother in law, Ruta Phadke, popularly known as Aaji by everyone in the colony and at home, was a very social and talkative lady. She used to

smile and greet everyone, whether she knew the person or not . We used to often tease her saying that “ Aaji can also talk to a tree”. She could strike a conversation with almost anyone, language no bar, she could converse fluently in her broken Hindi and English . A phone call from Aaji meant that you had to keep at least half an hour aside , she used to fill the other person with all the family news, right from giving recipes to teaching music.( She was a Sangeet Visharad) 

My father in law took very ill and expired in July 2015. She couldn’t accept his loss and slowly started slipping into depression. My daughters, Manasi , Sayali, my Son in law, Bhushan , my husband Milind and I , made all efforts to help her cope with the loss. Gradually she started becoming her old talkative self again . We heaved a sigh of relief .

In June 2016, life took an unexpected turn and I lost my husband, Milind. It was a huge shock to all of us and especially to Aaji. Death should come in a chronological order, and not when one is least prepared. “Looks like God has dialled a wrong number”, said she . Manasi, Sayali and Bhushan suddenly matured beyond their age and tried their level best to help Aaji come out of the shock . She had completely stopped conversing with anyone. She lived in silence , having slipped deep into depression. Her silence conveyed her thoughts .No amount of counselling or antidepressants helped her . Gradually we stopped all of that and decided to let her be and make peace by herself with the loss and pain . 

“Hi Aaji, how are you ? “, Manasi Bhushan would say whenever they came home . Silence . Not a word, just a smile . 

“Aaji , do you want something “, Silence . Not a word, just  a nod leaving me to figure out what she wanted , whether it was water or food or something else . 

“Aai, how are you “, her daughter would  ask whenever she came to visit her  . Silence . Her eyes would convey her thoughts. The sound of silence could only be heard and comprehended by me and her caretaker Ganesh . Her eyes would smile each time I entered her room, each time Manasi,  Sayali and Bhushan sat with her . The sound of her silence was profound . Her brother Sharad , would come for Rakshabandhan and her eyes would light up ,  speaking volumes in the sound of silence . 

Gradually she forgot words and even forgot faces who were not her regular ones . 

In November 2019, Aria, my grand daughter was born. An excited Manasi , eagerly placed little Aria on Aaji’s lap, “ Aaji look, she’s your great grand daughter, sing to her like you would sing to us when we were small”, again only SILENCE .Aaji’s eyes twinkled into what could be termed as a smile . Manasi tried to prompt Aaji into singing, but to no avail . Manasi had tears in her eyes , she thought that Aaji will speak with joy on her seeing her great grand child . “ Manasi, it’s okay, her silence is full of the cooing sounds and lullabies, don’t feel bad “ , I tried to console her . Aaji somewhat nodded and smiled , or at least that’s what we thought . 

As the days went by , the  sound of her silence became eerily deafening, she started suffering both physically and mentally. One look at her eyes and I would understand that she’s in pain , although her face was always impassive . I had to literally time her meals and water intake , as she on her own , never gestured to ask for either.  Whenever I would speak with her or just sit by her side and hold her hand , her eyes in her impassive face would smile at me with love,  emanating warmth , the soundless voice speaking volumes in silence . 

Her physical suffering increased by the day , but she suffered in silence within the confines of her room . The sounds of her silence conveyed her love and  worry about me which was  holding her  soul bodily back , though probably, her suffering body wanted a release.  Unable to bear her suffering I started praying for a positive outcome for her . “Aaji, I am fine and will be able to look after myself “, I started telling her, however hollow the words sounded to me . She would look at me soulfully, her silence speaking volumes. 

She had started sinking slowly, when suddenly one day, “Manju”, I heard her call out my name . I rushed to her bedside , asked her whether she wanted anything, again, it was only silence . She raised her right hand slowly and caressed my head and face . Her half comatose eyes conveyed volumes of emotions and thoughts. “Aaji, don’t worry, everything is fine here” reassured a broken me . 

A couple of days later in November 2020, the Sounds of Silence  were silenced forever .